How to write worst resumes that will never get shortlisted
Once a friend of mine who was studying computer science in UVCE had a one-page resume. The page had a full-page photograph of him playing guitar and below his email id and BE, CSE, UVCE. In the campus interview, it caught the eye of HR from Wipro and she asked: “Do you actually play guitar?” My friend told “yes, and I play well”. The HR asked, “Can you play one now?”My friend ran to the hostel, go his guitar, played “Akele Hum Akele Tum” and was hired!
I do not want unemployment aspiring freshers to make such contrarian mistakes. so In this article, I would particularly love to help those thousands of young freshers who really do want to know the art and science of “writing bad resume” so that they are never shortlisted for an interview. I am confident that 99% of you freshers out there already know how to write a bad resume but did not know the theory behind it. I will provide you the model here.
I know there are also some exceptions. There are some freshers who really want to get an interview, crack it and get their dream job. At the end of this article I shall also provide you a resume template that doesn’t fit in this category of bad resume. You can use the word template and be innovative!
The Model: Hiring and recruitment is supposed to be a management fundamental and management article is incomplete without a “Model”. By providing a model, I want to sound like a management guru. Here is your take away
A Bad Resume= Resume that no one including you cares
That’s it. Write something that no one cares to read! Voila and you are done.
But what are the things the HR or for that matter anyone cares?
1) What is in it for me? Tell me quick and fast
Human brains are wired in a way that we have mastered the art of not bothering on something where there is nothing for us. So if you are not quickly telling someone what is it in there for them, they can easily read your resume without reading it.
How you read the resume? Did you not glance it first? While glancing were you not searching for anything interesting? Did you not give a damn to the rest of the resume when you did not find anything interesting at first glance?
2) Is it even worth to glance your resume? Jobs are specific. So HR managers also look for specific skills. If your resume is not telling them what post it is for, they will not even glance it. So not telling it loud and clear about why should they even glance is another way of eliminating golden chance of glancing.
Please be advised that in case you highlight why they should glance the resume and bother to read, your chances of shortlisting may shoot up by 70%
3) Is there an interesting story? Thousands of years of evolution has our neural net to behave in a particular way. Many calls it “The Story Net”. We remember and care about good stories and always look for information presented as a story. Naturally anything without an interesting story will not be perceived by brain. Let me give an example. Consider following sentences.
a) John went to store
b) there was this sad accident and a great life was lost.
c) Marry kept weeping and remained hungry.
How many of you here completed the story in the brain? John and Marry are couples. John went to a grocery store to bring some food items, he met an accident and died. So marry was crying and remained hungry?
The above three sentences are uncorrelated. But you created a correlation in mind. And you get really saddened.
The same thing happens with any information. If you can present information that has a story in it, the reader will read it, consume it. By not telling a story you can achieve your goal of writing a bad resume.
So the professional summery now has a story, a story that tells something about the candidate which justifies her preference to be a software tester. I know finding and telling story is hard, but hey, you should not be worried because your target is to have no one interested in the resume. Do not make it interesting by trying.
4) Do I really care for you?
We generally do not care for people we do not know. So the above resume even though is much more interesting than it’s the first version may not find resonance as the reader doesn’t know who is this person. Our face and eye communicate more than our words. So a meaningful simple photograph can attract more attention than a resume written in Oxford English.
The girl in the photo is my life partner! But did adding a simple photo not make this resume much more connecting? Now the imagination net in one’s brain will trigger.
I know what many of you are thinking “I am not handsome or beautiful”. You do not have to, you have to be charming and smiling and you have to infect people with your smile. That is it.
By not putting a photo of yours, you can amplify irrelevance of your resume and can be confident of it not being selected.
5) Is there anything you have extra?
If you are successful in grabbing the attention, you have to close the deal. The deal is to highlight anything that separates you from others! In any skills that can be remotely associated with the position. But there has to be a distinction that people can clearly see.
In a resume where literally all others will write C, Java etc, you can actually mention those skills that puts you apart from the others.
Oh, by the way my wife does win all the arguments with me just like any other wife does, and she keeps arguing till she wins. I just preferred the word “debate” over “argument” to make it more socially acceptable, more so in corporate world.
6) Can you seriously do what you claim you can do?
Having done every other things right, you do not want to be disappointed by proving all your claims to be right. If you can somehow make the reader believe all you are saying is true, then you may actually get a call from the HR to come for the interview rather than just a group email.
What is meant my proving your credentials for the job?
7) Is the presentation neat?
Everything as above may all contribute to the chances of your resume being shortlisted. But you can really win the game of not being shortlisted if the information is presented as above and forget few general rule:
a) Not all information are of equal weight
b) We perceive information best when they are visually grouped
Not having a visual section is a strict no-no. Consider your resume to be like an App. Design it well to catch people’s eye and attention.
Add a photograph if you write “photography is my hobby”. Add a quote from book if “reading is your hobby”. Put some graphs/ links. Visually group the information in a meaningful way.
A poor visual design is the best way to keep interest away from your resume.
Remember, your resume is not just another data! It is your life, it is for a purpose. And that purpose is to sell your candidature to the potential company and it’s HR. Grab attention, create interest, connect, be cared. Work on your resume like it is a product and do not stop till the product is sold!